This is all happening way too fast.

Ammon turned 1 on August 11.  Being the thoughtful, generous, unselfish mom that I am, I labored for hours to make him a beautiful cake that he could admire for a few minutes and then rip apart all by himself!  Ha ha–just kidding.  I did even better…I bought him a Sprinkles cupcake!  I’m still thoughtful, generous, and unselfish, though, right?  Okay, so I might have been thinking more about myself than him at the time I chose to go the Sprinkles route, but these pictures show just how much he enjoyed that birthday “cake” of his…no doubt he is his mama’s son!

I want him to stay a baby. Precious.

We only had a few weeks at home this summer, and they were filled with different camps and activities the kids were involved in.  It went way too fast.  But we took a really fun 2 week trip to Utah, Idaho, and Wyoming to end the summer.  We actually covered 7 states in that trip if you include the 17 hour drive each way.  I was able to attend Education Week with Mom and Emily.  I loved being back on BYU campus, I love Provo in the summer, and I love learning how to be a better person!  So Education Week was definitely a highlight for me.  We had fun staying at Sundance again with our Hutchings cousins.

Mom and I drove with the kids up to the Island Park, ID cabin for a few short days (way too short!).  We even managed to see “Joseph” at the Playmill (ah, the memories…) and take a short float trip down the Snake River.  Something about that cabin is just so relaxing.  I loved sitting in the hammock, pushing the kids in the swing (I think that same tire swing has been there for at least 15 years), and watching the kids build forts with all the branches and things lying around outside.  It doesn’t get any better than that.  The only thing missing was the old candy store with penny candy.  I had to drive the kids down the highway to purchase their treats for reading.

From the cabin we drove through Yellowstone, stopping at a few geysers along the way, and down to Grand Teton National Park.  I must say I’ve always been fascinated by the beauty and majesty of the Tetons, but I’ve never spent any time there other than driving through.  I decided a few months previous that the Tetons would be our annual camping destination this year.  It was a lot of work to drag the camping gear and bikes all over the map (not to mention the damage to our van from the bike rack falling OFF the back along with all the bikes!), but it was well worth it!  We stayed 2 nights at Jenny Lake campground.  Just typing that gives me chills, that’s how beautiful it was.  We were right below the high, pointed peaks, and we hiked the most beautiful hike I think I’ve ever taken, with waterfalls rushing down everywhere and a wonderful view for miles and miles at the top!  I even braved the freezing cold water and took about a half hour to relax on a raft in the lake below the mountains.  I thought I was in heaven.  I could have been.

We were lucky to have mom with us–she was a huge help and fun to have around.  She thought she was in heaven, too–she spent much of her childhood in this area and she is an Idaho girl at heart.  I guess I can claim to be, too, since I was born there.

A couple more songs to come …

My work took me to Iowa & Nebraska for a couple weeks.  Great people.  Miles of corn and soybean!  Winter Quarters.  And, heat.

Let me explain.

I had to come home earlier than planned tonight to be home with the 4 kids so Jess could take Madi to a birthday party.  I was feeling a bit put out since I’m slammed at work and I’m going to be out of the office for several weeks.  I figured I could get some work done at home if I just put the kids to bed early.

When I got home I got good news.  Jess had already told the kids they were to go to bed early.  So, after a quick dinner I told the kids to put the pool net back on and get ready for bed.  Ammon woke up from his nap too soon which complicated my attempts at productivity.  But I could manage one baby downstairs as long as the kids upstairs fell asleep.  Which didn’t happen.

Lucy came downstairs in tears … scared of something.

- Dadda, I’m scared.
- There’s nothing to be scared of.  Get back in bed.  I’m right here.
- OK.
- [Good.  I can get back to my work]

- Minutes later: Dadda, I saw something in my room.
- Lucy, do not get up from your bed again.  Lay down.  Close your eyes.  Go to sleep!
- But, Dadda I’m scared.
- Lucy! Go to sleep!

Now Ammon is crying and being more difficult.  Of course.

- Dadda … when is mom going to be home?
- Not until way after you’re asleep.  Now go to bed Lucy.  If I have to tell you to go to bed again …!
- OK

I’ll spare you (but mostly myself) the rest of the 10 times this was repeated – each time with voices escalating.  She couldn’t stop crying.  Whining.  So tired.  Too tired to fall asleep.  My response each time was to teach her.  I needed her to understand and learn that she can stop herself from crying.  I needed to teach her that there isn’t anything to be afraid of.  I wasn’t going to yield until she fell asleep the right way.  On her own.

By the 10th time (and an hour later) I had had enough.  Ammon was crying downstairs next to me while I’m trying to work on my computer.  I hear footsteps on the stairs.  Again.  You. Can’t. Be. Serious.  I had already warned her about spanking her (that’s how desperate I was getting … I haven’t spanked one of our kids in probably 7 years).  I marched up there, picked her up off the stairs, got to the top of the stairs and spanked her bum.  Not hard.  But, I could tell it broke her heart.  And, it broke mine too.

She walked to her bed.  I walked downstairs.

I got Ammon and put him in bed for the night and finally … sat in front of my computer to get back to work.  But, of course, I couldn’t.  As I replayed in my mind the series of events, I realized how blind and selfish and mean I was.  I heard the Spirit whisper:

‘Go apologize and snuggle with her.  All she needed from the start was for you to snuggle with her.  Why didn’t you do such a simple, loving thing?  What kind of father are you?’

My natural reflex was to resist.  If I yielded to that prompting then I all of the yelling and back and forth and discipline would have been for naught.  She wouldn’t learn this lesson I’m teaching her.  Then the Lord whispered a little louder to my mind/heart:

‘You weren’t teaching her anything.  That’s just you rationalizing your stupid, misplaced priorities. Go apologize and snuggle with her.’

I’m so grateful that I did.  I walked upstairs and into her room.  I laid down next to her.  She was crying – quietly so I couldn’t hear her and get mad.  I snuggled close and tight and said, ‘Lucy, I’m so sorry for spanking you and for yelling at you and for getting mad at you.  I should’ve just come up and snuggled right away.  Can you forgive me?’  Her crying slowed to a stop and she emphatically nodded yes and then said yes.  ’I'm sorry sweetheart.  I love you.’  I love you too.

As we snuggled, her breathing became calm and steady.  Her grip on my forearm relaxed.  In just a matter of minutes, she was slowly drifting asleep.  Once she fell asleep and her breathing became steady and deep, I carefully lifted my arm off her.  She stirred and said with eyes still closed and mostly asleep, ‘night night dadda.’  I said ‘good night sweet pea.’  And then I just laid there next to her with tears in my eyes, wishing that I were a better father.

I realized, laying there, that time is flying by and before I know it she won’t be calling me dadda and she won’t be afraid of the dark and she won’t just want to snuggle and I’ll never ever be able to get that back with her.  I feel like such a fool for seeing her pleas to snuggle as a nuisance and a distraction from my work.  So so stupid.

Matthew 18: 1-6

 1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the ^agreatest in the kingdom of heaven?

2And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little ^achildren, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4Whosoever therefore shall ^ahumble himself as this little ^bchild, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my ^aname receiveth me.

6But whoso shall ^aoffend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

As Lucy, half asleep, said to me, ‘night night dadda,’ I thought of this verse and better understood why the Lord compares being converted to becoming as a child.  Mosiah 3:19 expands on it:

 19 For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the Holy ^fSpirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.