That’s what crossed my mind moments ago as I snuggled with Lucy in her bed to help her drift off to sleep. Once she fell asleep and her breathing became steady and deep, I carefully lifted my arm off her. She stirred and said with eyes still closed and mostly asleep, ‘night night dadda.’ I said ‘good night sweet pea.’ And then I just laid there next to her with tears in my eyes, wishing that I were a better father.
Let me explain.
I had to come home earlier than planned tonight to be home with the 4 kids so Jess could take Madi to a birthday party. I was feeling a bit put out since I’m slammed at work and I’m going to be out of the office for several weeks. I figured I could get some work done at home if I just put the kids to bed early.
When I got home I got good news. Jess had already told the kids they were to go to bed early. So, after a quick dinner I told the kids to put the pool net back on and get ready for bed. Ammon woke up from his nap too soon which complicated my attempts at productivity. But I could manage one baby downstairs as long as the kids upstairs fell asleep. Which didn’t happen.
Lucy came downstairs in tears … scared of something.
- Dadda, I’m scared.
- There’s nothing to be scared of. Get back in bed. I’m right here.
- OK.
- [Good. I can get back to my work]- Minutes later: Dadda, I saw something in my room.
- Lucy, do not get up from your bed again. Lay down. Close your eyes. Go to sleep!
- But, Dadda I’m scared.
- Lucy! Go to sleep!Now Ammon is crying and being more difficult. Of course.
- Dadda … when is mom going to be home?
- Not until way after you’re asleep. Now go to bed Lucy. If I have to tell you to go to bed again …!
- OK
I’ll spare you (but mostly myself) the rest of the 10 times this was repeated – each time with voices escalating. She couldn’t stop crying. Whining. So tired. Too tired to fall asleep. My response each time was to teach her. I needed her to understand and learn that she can stop herself from crying. I needed to teach her that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. I wasn’t going to yield until she fell asleep the right way. On her own.
By the 10th time (and an hour later) I had had enough. Ammon was crying downstairs next to me while I’m trying to work on my computer. I hear footsteps on the stairs. Again. You. Can’t. Be. Serious. I had already warned her about spanking her (that’s how desperate I was getting … I haven’t spanked one of our kids in probably 7 years). I marched up there, picked her up off the stairs, got to the top of the stairs and spanked her bum. Not hard. But, I could tell it broke her heart. And, it broke mine too.
She walked to her bed. I walked downstairs.
I got Ammon and put him in bed for the night and finally … sat in front of my computer to get back to work. But, of course, I couldn’t. As I replayed in my mind the series of events, I realized how blind and selfish and mean I was. I heard the Spirit whisper:
‘Go apologize and snuggle with her. All she needed from the start was for you to snuggle with her. Why didn’t you do such a simple, loving thing? What kind of father are you?’
My natural reflex was to resist. If I yielded to that prompting then I all of the yelling and back and forth and discipline would have been for naught. She wouldn’t learn this lesson I’m teaching her. Then the Lord whispered a little louder to my mind/heart:
‘You weren’t teaching her anything. That’s just you rationalizing your stupid, misplaced priorities. Go apologize and snuggle with her.’
I’m so grateful that I did. I walked upstairs and into her room. I laid down next to her. She was crying – quietly so I couldn’t hear her and get mad. I snuggled close and tight and said, ‘Lucy, I’m so sorry for spanking you and for yelling at you and for getting mad at you. I should’ve just come up and snuggled right away. Can you forgive me?’ Her crying slowed to a stop and she emphatically nodded yes and then said yes. ’I'm sorry sweetheart. I love you.’ I love you too.
As we snuggled, her breathing became calm and steady. Her grip on my forearm relaxed. In just a matter of minutes, she was slowly drifting asleep. Once she fell asleep and her breathing became steady and deep, I carefully lifted my arm off her. She stirred and said with eyes still closed and mostly asleep, ‘night night dadda.’ I said ‘good night sweet pea.’ And then I just laid there next to her with tears in my eyes, wishing that I were a better father.
I realized, laying there, that time is flying by and before I know it she won’t be calling me dadda and she won’t be afraid of the dark and she won’t just want to snuggle and I’ll never ever be able to get that back with her. I feel like such a fool for seeing her pleas to snuggle as a nuisance and a distraction from my work. So so stupid.
Matthew 18: 1-6
1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the agreatest in the kingdom of heaven?
2And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,
3And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little achildren, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
4Whosoever therefore shall ahumble himself as this little bchild, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5And whoso shall receive one such little child in my aname receiveth me.
6But whoso shall aoffend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
As Lucy, half asleep, said to me, ‘night night dadda,’ I thought of this verse and better understood why the Lord compares being converted to becoming as a child. Mosiah 3:19 expands on it:
19 For the anatural bman is an cenemy to God, and has been from the dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he eyields to the enticings of the Holy fSpirit, and gputteth off the hnatural man and becometh a isaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a jchild, ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
You are the best dad ever! I seriously need to learn from you & be a better mother! I guess we don’t realize that they are only young for a VERY short period of time & then they don’t want to snuggle. Thanks for the story & insight.
thank! we all need that reminder and your story definitely brought tears to my eyes. i need to listen to those promptings more often!
Thank you Dave. That was so tender — an experience you’ll never forget. And, what a great lesson to learn so early in your parenting career :-). It took me a while longer to learn that one (and I still trip up once in a while). Danny STILL snuggles with me before he falls asleep. Every night. A couple of years ago I was thinking it was time for him to just learn to go to bed on his own. And, then Greg reminded me, “Deb, you know he isn’t always going to WANT to snuggle with you, right?” He’s your last one. Enjoy every minute. So . . . I do. David used to snuggle with me every night too. And, then one day. . . he stopped. A happy/sad day. They do grow up fast. So fast. The thought of being left a lone woman in the garden of Stapley is about killing me!
Anyway, great story. Thanks for sharing. Send it to the Ensign :-).
Dxo
Wow, Dave! That was a great entry. And just so you know, I think you are a great father. One that others can look up to. I think that the Lord has funny ways of teaching us sometimes the things that are important in our lives. At least you were in tune and listened. I think back over the years when I should have been a better mother to my kids. I did exactly what you did with Lucy, except the snuggling never happened. So, Dave, don’t ever forget what a great dad you a really are!